Damn You, Robert Redford!

So, I've had a rough few months...scratch that...a rough year. I know I'm not starving in Rwanda, or a homeless Katrina victim, or even poor K Fed., but this has been one bitch of a year. So, the other day, my hubby left on a business trip and I was left alone on a very long, hot, boring Sunday to my own devices. Not a good idea. I was flipping the channels and found "The Horse Whisperer" on FX. The quality of the broadcast was crap...I could barely see what was happening, so I thought, hey, I have the DVD, why don't I just watch it for old times sake. When will I learn.

I have to explain that...old times sake. I'm a serious Robert Redford fan. Of course I love all his old movies, and even some of the new ones are chick flick favorites (Um...Up Close and Personal anyone?). About 10 years ago, I read The Horse Whisperer book and loved it. Don't get me wrong, it's NO literary masterpiece...the ending is HORRIBLE and so much of it was cheesy cliche. When I heard Redford was adapting it, I knew this was something that could be saved and made into an amazing film. If anyone could do it, it was Redford. This was the first moment I thought, I wish I knew how to write, because I'd love to make this into a screenplay (Ah, youth).

So not only do I love Redford...I love horses. I've been an Equestrian since I was 9 years old. They are such beautiful, fun, loving creatures. My sisters and I went to see the movie together when it came out... and bawled from start to finish. I was completely obsessed with this version...Robert Redford was perfect as the Whisperer, Chris Cooper flawless as his rancher brother, Kristin Scott Thomas fabulous as the selfish, but determined mother to the wounded young girl played by the revelation that was Scarlett Johannson at only 13 years old. I ended up seeing it 6 times in the theater because I wanted to make sure I didn't miss a single frame.

So, life goes on, and I let my obsession of this movie go and moved on to other movies and TV shows. That is, until the other day when I succumbed to the memory and decided it would be a fine idea to press that play button. Fine idea my ass...I just ended up drowning in a river of tears. How did this happen? I know EVERY shot of the damn movie, how could it still affect me like this?

Well, maybe it has something to do with the shitty year I've had. My plate is overflowing with sorrow and stress. From my Mother-in-law's murder, to my anxiety disorder, to leaving LA to move to NYC with my hubby...it's all been piling up, and about to topple over. I should have been watching Happy Gilmore!

As I blew my nose for the hundredth time, it hit me. I needed to watch this movie. I needed to drown in the river of tears in order to throw myself a life preserver. This time, the tears weren't about the horse, or the wounded girl, or troubled mother daughter relationship, or unrequited love, or the road not taken, or triumph over tragedy. It was about me, watching a broken horse and feeling like I knew exactly what that horse felt like. Terrified, dark, alone, bitter and most of all, sad. Where the hell is my whisperer? What will allow me to dust myself off and get back on the proverbial horse?

Who the fuck knows...but I do know: I don't have a whisperer...I don't have a savior...what I do have is me...still here...still breathing, and finally starting to process the horror of the last year. That's got to count for something in this fucked up world. DAMN YOU ROBERT REDFORD for your accidentally cathartic movie!